Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
