Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
