I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
