Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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