hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
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Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Mom said you looked used
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
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...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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