Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
