so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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