so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
