Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
