I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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