I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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