I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
