meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
