oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
