Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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