I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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