i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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