please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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