I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
