I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
