Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
