Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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