Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
