Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
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Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.