dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often