it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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