I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
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I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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