I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
