Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
