Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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