do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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