i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.