Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
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Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
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He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?