By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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