so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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