Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
