The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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