after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
