omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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