True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
