why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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