Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
