Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
