there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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