I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
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Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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