If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
