I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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