Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
