So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
where does the pee come out of this thing
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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