your parents love me but you hate me
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
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I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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