he wants to bone in the snuggie
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
