my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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