i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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