First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
