I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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