i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
