My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
