I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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