she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
