Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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