Jerry, you need to find god
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
