Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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